Growing up, I often heard the sentiment, "You only get one family; you should be grateful for them." This saying may ring quite true for those fortunate to have the blessing of a supportive family, but I learned as I got older that my definition of family would be more expansive than what I learned in my youth. I grew up going to aunties, cousins, and uncles with whom I shared no relation but were family. And in my culture, it was so commonplace I never had to question it. Only as I began to grapple with my gender and sexuality did I start to take under deeper consideration what family meant to me and who I would be able to consider family. Family could be friends who provide unwavering support, a mentor who guides you through life's challenges, or a partner who shares your dreams and aspirations.

There is no singular 'right' way to have or cultivate your chosen family. Below, you'll find essential tips supporting creating and sustaining your chosen family and information about the importance of familial connections. Our heart goes out to those navigating rejection or tensions from biological families.

What is Chosen Family?

Chosen family, also known as 'found family,' are the connections you make outside of biological (and potentially legal) ties to complement or supplement biological family. In other words, they may not be the family you are born with, but they are the ones you choose to be in a relationship with. For many within our community, the fear of rejection from biological family members may create a heavy divide between who they know themselves to be and how their biological family looks at them. This divide comes with health and well-being ramifications, contributing to higher rates of homelessness and poverty, financial insecurity, and death by suicide. Research shows that having supportive people in the community of LGBTQ+ people reduces isolation and mental health issues. Chosen families provide a sense of belonging and identity, helping individuals feel seen, understood, and accepted for who they are.

The chosen family is deeply connected to our survival in the Black community, specifically in America. During times of American chattel slavery, familial ties were consistently severed or frayed by nature of the dehumanization of enslaved people, and people would often lose connections with their biological family through force and external power exerted by white supremacy. It is through the bonds of chosen family that Black people have been able to continue through unimaginable and harrowing times. This unity of people allowed Black people to survive not only American chattel slavery but also Reconstruction, Black Codes, Jim Crow, and general legalized discrimination. Today, chosen family is yet another lifeline for Black queer and trans people, serving as a space where they are free to be themselves when they do not receive the same acceptance or understanding from their biological families. Chosen family is more profound than nature versus nurture: it’s about operating from a liberatory practice in every facet of daily life, even when you may not know the full path ahead. 

Tips for Building a Chosen Family

Here are some tips for getting started with building a chosen family.

1. Reflect on Your Needs and Boundaries: Healthy relationships require boundaries. As you look to develop connections with anyone you're hoping to remain in your community and part of your family, identify what yours are. What do you want to get out of this relationship? What role are you expecting your family to serve? When building relationships, we must consider that our family members have their own lives and needs. How will you be expecting to serve them in their efforts? Identifying and communicating what you are looking for and need will evolve as you come to know yourself and each other, so don't be afraid to check in with each other as you develop relationship dynamics that balance the needs and boundaries of everyone involved.
2. Build Community Connections: You must put yourself out there to connect with others. The internet and social media can be tools for communication and connection, but getting out in person helps you find those who may be in your local community and allows you to forge connections rooted in the betterment of those directly around you. Start with what you know. You may have a hobby you can do collaboratively or within the same space, like a bowling team or sewing circle. Or you're into birdwatching and want to find others. Or you're looking for ways to volunteer for causes you care about. Start with where your values and interests lie, and you're bound to find others looking for the same things.
3. Communicate Openly: Communication is foundational to relationships. How are you supposed to learn and grow when you don't communicate? Vulnerability is not easy to overcome, but it can help you build and strengthen substantial connections. A key tenet of family is knowing that they will be there for you through life's difficulties, fears, and worries. Communication helps build trust and collective understanding.
4. Create Your Own Traditions: Having moments to celebrate together is what glues families together. You may look back and not be able to recall what daily life looked like at any given moment. Still, you'll remember the holidays, weekends, or dinners you've spent together, sharing joy and laughter, recounting past days, and cherishing the moments that bring people closer to their goals and wishes. They don't have to be rooted in religious practices, though they can be. Find moments you can work into your unit to gather and cherish each other. Celebrate loudly and often, and you'll have a lifetime of happy memories.

Challenges of Creating and Maintaining Chosen Family

Developing and sustaining your chosen family is not always easy. Families have their hardships, and chosen families are often more vulnerable. You have to decide to work through them the same way you chose to be in a relationship. Here are some challenges you may encounter in your efforts and how to overcome them.

1. Navigating Conflicts: Conflict is a natural part of relationships, but it's not always easy for many. That comes, in large part, due to our cultural and educational differences. Take time to confront how you learned how to handle conflict. Was it the healthiest environment? Luckily, if you're looking to shift that conflict management, there are plenty of resources that allow you to learn how to engage in conflicts in ways that birth solutions that work for everyone and strengthen the bonds of relationships that come under fire at times like this. Don't look at these points as efforts to "win." Instead, think of conflict as a turning point for your relationships. How will you overcome this as a family? What will become part of your toolkit?
2. Managing Time and Availability: Life is already hard enough when balancing your daily needs, work, and extracurriculars. When it comes to building familial connections, you must consider the lives of others as well. What are your connection windows? When are things picking up for them? It's vital for maintaining relationships to understand when you may need to create extra cushion for communication. You may have a group message thread, a weekly phone call, or a standing meet-up day, like family dinners. Don't assume the time will be easy to come by. Be proactive in managing collective time.
3. Handling Life Transitions: Families are not stagnant structures but often navigate life changes: family additions and losses, changes in proximity, job loss, and education opportunities. Or, on a smaller scale, priorities shift from day to day. These moments have the chance to disrupt our daily lives and connections. With a chosen family, maintenance must be deliberate and consistent to ensure that these transitions in life do not sever family ties. As the world changes, so must you. Take stock of how your family operates. What are you willing to let go of for new opportunities? How can you support your family members through the journeys of their life? Change is not an easy concept to overcome, but doing so as a collective provides new depths to bonds formed in survival and care.
4. Balancing Expectations: People may have different expectations for what a chosen family should look like. Not everyone grew up or acquired the same understanding of how you should treat each other. Before operating on the defensive, look at your expectations together to find what resonates with your chosen family and what you may be carrying in as an expectation from an external force that you may wish to have less influence on your lives. The beauty of cultivating a chosen family is that you decide how you show up and care for one another. Intentionality is an asset in this regard, not a hindrance.
5. Rebuilding After Distance: We all have moments when life gets in the way, and your relationship may take a backseat in your priorities. Remember that you can always return to what was and pick back up if that's what you want. Rebuilding relationships requires extra work and connection, so be honest about whether this is a relationship you intend to hold dear going forward or if your relationship has run its course. Start small, communicate your desire to reconnect clearly, and create an intentional space to catch up and collectively determine how to rebuild. We won't always be perfect at maintaining relationships, and that's okay. Commit to imperfection and consistency in trying to build, and you'll gain success over time.

Gratitude and Commitment with Chosen Family

Gratitude and commitment are the glue that holds chosen families together. Expressing gratitude shows your chosen family members that their presence and support matter deeply. It says, 'You matter to me,' and makes them feel valued and appreciated. Too often, we thank our community and family as we mourn their loss. We not only deserve but also need to celebrate those we develop such deep connections with regularly and often. This gratitude is a powerful force that strengthens family bonds and makes everyone feel cherished.

Commitment is about showing up regardless of what you're carrying in or the motivation you believe is propelling you. It's about recognizing that being a family means you're not just showing up for the easy times; you're also there for the loss and pain that will come in life. Be the family member you've needed and wanted in your life. Become their listening ear or their conversation partner, their confidant. Learn how to support them and what their best interests are. Please continue to do the work of building and making space for them in your life. And don't forget to take care of yourself. As an individual, you will continue to be a work in progress in any relationship you hold. Remember to invest in what makes you unique or brings you joy.

Gratitude and commitment create a cycle of mutual care and respect. These values remind everyone involved that chosen families are intentional communities of love and support—and that this bond is worth nurturing daily.

One of the most profound aspects of recognizing alternative family structures, such as chosen family, is the potential for personal growth. It allows us to redefine our inner circle, identify those who stand by us, and recognize our community. This understanding underscores the fact that we have the potential to form deeply impactful relationships throughout our lives. These bonds, so strong that they feel like they've always been there, can significantly contribute to our personal growth, offering us hope for the future and a sense of optimism. Whether you're using your time to build your family or looking for ways to celebrate and cherish your time with them, we hope you know you are worthy of love, care, and respect.